Prepare for the #LodanRespawn2024 Existing characters may choose to be displace from/have memories of different timelines, thereby allowing returning members the option to retcon their whole character. These changes are the result of the "Unnatural Fog" plot device that is running between now and the Respawn. The plot is simple: no matter where your character is, that place is shrouded in a thick fog that suspends time, but not thoughts or memories, so even if they're repeating the same day over and over again, they continue to remember, so each time feels like a new day. For those retconning OCs; this is where new versions of themselves have the opportunity to replace the old versions. Official lore and tree updates will be announced asap
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Jun 12, 2017 4:26:13 GMT
"It's alright. Really." And she meant it. Even if he had not healed her hand, she'd have done it herself anyway. It was just some pricking and blood, she'd had worse before.
"Las is indeed very understanding and sweet. It's easy to see him to eye. But I can't give him what he needs, and I'd just hurt him if we were closer than we are; I already hurt him before. He doesn't deserve that happening to him, mainly after everything he lost." Sigh. "The same applies to you too. Don't worry about my hand; it honestly wasn't that bad and I've had worse while learning how to sew. I don't think there's something to be good or bad at in our conversation though. Like mentioned before, I appreciate the honesty, even if we confuse each other at points. It doesn't bother me, though it feels like it might be being detrimental to you, if it makes you panic this much."
"All power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." - John Dalberg-Acton
Edelweiss could say that she was alright until the cows came home and Sayvahn still would not be sure. “Dearie, I’m either worry or flirty and rarely in between,” Sayvahn confessed, tilting his head some. What she said about Las was… pretty correct. Maybe. The understanding and sweet part— even if Sayvahn couldn’t vouch for it at this time, he knew it was true. Though, the hurting bit was new. “I didn’t’ realize something like that happened between you two.” Frankly, he didn’t know much about what happened between them. Which, probably, was a good thing. “Still, I want to be good at conversing with you. At least… for your sake. I panic because I know I mess up far too often and… I rather not mess up with you.”
“In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught." ― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Jun 12, 2017 23:34:39 GMT
"And sometimes you're both." She stated amusedly, tilting her head slightly at his 'confession'. "But neither is a bad thing as long as not in excess. You are you, things would be really boring if you weren't."
Though that last comment made her let out a soft chuckle (not mocking, though). "Thanks."
"All power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." - John Dalberg-Acton
To hear her laugh was a nice change. What wasn’t so nice was the both comment. “You have to admit I do both quite a lot, though,” Sayvahn chuckled. “Sadly it’s just part of my nature. Luckily you find it amusing, though.” In truth, it was almost a relief to hear that he was at least somewhat entertaining. He tried to be— doesn’t mean he always was, but he tried.
“In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught." ― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Jun 12, 2017 23:56:38 GMT
"I don't see why 'sadly' still." Not all things were either good or bad either. Some of them were neutral, and as she saw it, this was one of them.
"So... Should I ask what else did those dreams that didn't let you sleep entail?" She asked after a stretch of silence, relaxing more on her seat, reclining further against the back of the couch. The change of topics was welcome at this point, lest them be stuck in stressful things forever - even if the alternative topic might be awkward as well. "Or would you rather keep those thoughts private?"
Well. This got steadily worse. Sayvahn blinked, as if trying to confirm what he had just heard. Did she really just ask that? “I mean. Yes? To the later? I mean, we can, if you want to delve into them.” This time, Sayvahn chose to rest his hand against the couch rather than grasp it. “But, I’m not going to lie. The last time someone asked me that, they intended to make my dreams a reality, which I’m pretty sure is not the direction you want to go into.” This is where the sadly came in. Honestly, he tried to keep it serious. But she really, really walked into that one. After all, he was fairly certain (if not positive) that a certain ander had said the same lines to him not too long ago.
“In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught." ― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Jun 13, 2017 0:12:45 GMT
"You said the dreams disturb you, enough to not let you sleep." Of course she wasn't going to atempt to enact something that disturbed Sayvahn of all people. "I can't imagine they'd keep you from sleeping if they were enjoyable. But knowing more about them might help with fixing your sleep schedule."
"All power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." - John Dalberg-Acton
Raising a brow, Sayvahn could not help but be at a loss for words. Did Edelweiss not get it? “I admit that there are some disturbing aspects of my dreams that are not enjoyable.” After all, he didn’t like reliving a certain aspect of his life. Sadly, though, his dreams wouldn’t allow him to skip over his jungle experience as much as his consciousness did. “But even enjoyable dreams can keep you awake.” After all, one gets paranoid about sleep if certain people keep appearing in them, and sad. Especially dreaming about those that you can never have— or ever have again. “I know enough about them to know I can’t fix them.” Or me. But, that was story for another time.
“In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught." ― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Jun 29, 2017 16:53:35 GMT
Oh, Edelweiss did get it, very well. It's just that, once the initial shock/surprise factor faded, she didn't feel it was such as big deal (to herself at least) as the Feline seemed to think it was. And she genuinely thought talking of it would help him or at least help her in understanding how to help him. That was what he had initially came to her apartment for, hadn't it? To talk about those dreams?
"I'm not questioning whether or not nor how you should 'fix' them. They're dreams, Sayvahn, you know. Your life experiences may affect them, but they're not something easily nor consciously controlled. But talking of them might help in finding ways to cope with them better, in a way that won't leave you sleep-deprived." She sighed. "And well, the last time someone confessed to me I had a 'guest appearance' in their sleeping hours, in the dream I had murdered him in cold blood. So if anything, your orgy dreams shouldn't shock me as much as you seem to believe they will."
"All power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." - John Dalberg-Acton
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Sayvahn sighed. Goodness. This was not going to get anywhere. So, she caught onto his meaning. But how much of it did she still not understand? Frankly, how much did he understand? It was difficult to comprehend. The chanting was still going on in the back of his mind, and he got that itch. That itch, that taste, of something he hadn’t tasted in a long while and wished he could never taste again. But, the flavor kept trickling in. Bringing up his own finger to his lips, he bit the back of it, right above the knuckle. Not too hard. It could even be passed off as a thought-like gesture. Except he was trying everything but to think. There was no way he would eat anyone again. But, the memory of it, the dreams, the everything was putting him on edge. “I can’t control them but I’ve been avoiding them. Been avoiding a lot of things,” he confessed. “I can’t avoid you though. And I don’t want to. But, I’ve been avoiding parts.” Tilting his head, he bit the back of his hand once more before he drew away. “You killing me would probably be better, to be honest. At least that would show signs of improvement— either me moving on, or you continuing the pattern of my life.” At least in the later, maybe Edelweiss would have loved him. After all. Leleba had not loved him enough to kill him. To sacrifice him and if Edelweiss did, then maybe— “I-I’m sorry. I’m drunk.” Except he wasn’t. Getting up, Sayvahn clutched his head. It was throbbing. “I should get going.” He needed to get a drink. To get a lot more drinks. Maybe Edgar— maybe Edgar could knock some sense into him. He could be rebellious, and then, maybe Edgar, maybe Edgar could take the memories away for a bit.
“In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught." ― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Jul 6, 2017 1:49:12 GMT
The redhead raised an eyebrow, although she let him speak until the end. "You are not drunk. Maybe hangover or with a migraine, but not drunk." She sighed, but stated simply while standing up from her own seat to stop in front of him and press a hand on his shoulder to make him re-sit down. He was acting too conscious (for his own stardards at least) to be drunk. "Avoiding things won't get you anywhere. The worst ones always find a way to come back and haunt us; always. Sit back down for a minute."
And there went a Health II coupled with Toxins II cast. The first would get rid of the pain and throbbing feeling, the second would get rid of any remaining alcohol-derived after-effects and act like a light antipsychotropic (and hopefully get rid of an axiety attack if that's what is affecting him now). That should act faster than giving him a dose of diasepam at least; the medicines stocked in her guild were good, but magic effects tended to kick in quicker than pills still. "Now listen to me, Sayvahn. You're the one who came to me for a word, and I listened to what you had to say, so you owe me the same courtesy: You speak of me killing you being 'better', so you rather seek my hatred than my care?" Because wow, as blunt as he usually was, that hurt to hear from a friend. "But even then, killing you would not improve anything, whether you see it now or not. That's a sick pattern, you need to break from it, and I think you've already realized that much (or should have). And I think I can help you, but only if you let me."
She wasn't even angry at him, mostly sad, but there was a hint of frustration too. Run away, run away, run away; that's all he seemed to do around her, even though he had been the one to seek for her help. "Just forgetting wouldn't work for you. That already failed before, right? Then stop pretending your demons aren't real, before they gnaw your mind to shards. If you can't erase them, then I can teach you how to keep them on a leash - but you have to tell me what they inflict you with. Does is throb, does it echo, does it lurk, or just is? What is there most, pain? Ache? Fear? Anxiety? Annoyance? Anger? Hunger? Lust?" That last one seemed like a Sayvahn thing, alright. "What makes your mind tick and keeps you awake, what does it do and want? Open that finnicky head of yours and tell me your thoughts, then let me find what will counter them."
Sigh. "There are things that I can't give, you already know. But I care more for what you need, and that I might be able to."
The drunk aspect was a lie. It was to buy more time. But Edelweiss saw through that lie. She saw through many things. She guided him to a sit, rather strictly issuing him to sit down. He complied, if not hesitantly. Her proximity made his senses heighten, and he again found himself biting the back of his finger, trying to reclaim his thoughts. Yet, his heart was racing, his mind, equally so. If only he could afford some drugs. The alcohol was cheaper— but maybe, maybe he needed to get something else— something else to calm him— Then the spells hit. He twitched at it, surprised, first of all, then annoyed. He glared at her touch, then at her, confused. She used magic on him, and although it did help, he didn’t like the action. Not now. Not when he felt like this. Though, the feeling did disappear. The sentiment— not as much. “I wanted to run away because I didn’t want to hurt us further. Do you really want me to unlock all my pandoras? I will. You know I will. But I don’t want that. I came to you for an answer, not realizing what the answer entailed. I didn’t want to hurt us— our friendship. I’m messed up in the head. You’ve must have realized that already,” he couldn’t help but laugh at that, bending forward as he listened, as he repeated, her words in his head. “Courtesy? I was trying to give you courtesy. I can’t sort through my thoughts—I know what Lodan standards are, but I keep slipping back to the Jungle. Killing me would be better. Killing me would at least mean you love me. My first wife was supposed to kill me. Was supposed to kill me like she did our husband. But she didn’t. Why? Because I wasn’t worthy. Because she didn’t love me. You talk about courtesy? I sacrificed everything for her. I became a cannibal— yeah, that’s how messed up I am— for her. For them. I loved them. I loved her. I idolized her. Leleba was my god. She was supposed to kill me. Sacrifice her love for the tribe. But I wasn’t her love.” Digging his nails into his head, he tried to stop the throbbing, the chants. He couldn’t look at Edelweiss. Not when he was afraid of what he would see. “I love you, Edelweiss. I still do. The dreams prove that. I want you. But the dreams also tell me the truth. You give everyone your love in my dreams except me. You only love Amon. I know that. I know that. I just—“ Tears were welling in his eyes. It was becoming hard to breathe. “I’m sick. I’ve tried to forget. Tried to put it past me. Hell, I even died to put it past me. When I was resurrected, I thought it was over. I thought I paid for my sins, that death cleansed me. But every goddess I run into, they leave me. They forsake me. I want you to help me, but what does that mean? Me dying again? Or me just staying dead? The later would at least make everything stop, once and for all. The cycles would stop. Everything would stop. Forgetting doesn’t help me. You’re right. I’ve broken through it, twice. “ Glancing up at her, he couldn’t help but let the anger trickle in his voice, his dark aura leaping across his finger tips. “I know my demons are real. I hear them. They always trickle in. Damien’s screams, his begging, the tribes chants. No leash can bind them. Nothing can. I’ve tried. For eleven years, I’ve tried. You want to know what they do to me?” Getting up, he approached Edelweiss, the purple green aura raging up his arms. If he could grab her, he would, but Edelweiss would not let him get that close. And if she did, he would hold her arms tightly, as if to transfer his magic to her. To transfer his anger, his emotions to her. “They scream. They echo, they do everything you said and more. They want me to eat again. I will never do that, but they want me to. They want me to die. They want me to suffer. They want me to go insane. They want me to make you mine.” The magic aura faltered and his anger, it turned to sorrow. To shame. “I don’t want that. I don’t want what happened to my sister to happen to you. I don’t want that. I’m not that kind of person. I don’t want to be that kind of person. I don’t— I don’t—“ Covering his face, Sayvahn cried. He tried to hold the gasps in as he sobbed, but he couldn’t stop. He felt disgusting. Felt dirty, horrible, putrid. He hadn’t want Edelweiss to see him like this. For anyone to see him like this. To see him crumbling. “I need to die,” he gasped, still covering his face, his eyes, his everything. “I need to disappear and die.”
“In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught." ― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Jul 6, 2017 21:34:34 GMT
Well, she had wanted him to open the can of worms, and he surely did. So she at first just listened until it seemed like he had no longer anything to say, and then tried to look at was said objectively instead of emotionally to fulfill her own promise. She'd said she would counter it - and so she will. "They scream... so you are more normal than me at the very least." She pondered. Voices. Screams, maddening mental demands. Everything Clue had wanted to warn her about, everything that was expected of someone who killed as much - but the redhead had only been greeted by silence and numbness, meanwhile Sayvahn's plight was simply 'feeling too much'. It wasn't as odd when seen from that angle, despite the truly cringe-worthy parts he described. "They want you to suffer and go insane, or is that what you think you deserve, for them?"
"You said your wife was supposed to sacrifice you, yet she chose not to. Was there no consequence for her? As 'messed up', using your own words, as that society was, I can't fathom there wasn't any. It would have been simpler to just comply. Still she felt your life was more valid than hers, than any price she would pay..." Why? What sentiment causes a person to weigh another's safety as higher than their own? She let the thought sink in for him for a couple seconds, a bit of a sad smile on her lips as she found herself turning his earlier words to her back at him: "Sayvahn, I think she loved you too much."
Sigh. "Your life as it is has the weight of hers, and of all of those you left behind. You're the only one carrying their memories and the proof of their existence. You need to live, Sayvahn. That is your penance and atonement. You owe it to them. Nobody said it was going to be easy, or pleasant. But in the moment you took a life away, they took your death along. You no longer have the right to die."
And as for everything else... "People are in danger when they get too close to me. It's not a whim, and it's not a curse - it's a fact. The ones I hold dear are safer if kept at a distance - one person, One, managed to climb past my walls, and you saw what happened. Everything crumbled around us." She almost felt like laughing, but did not. It wasn't funny. "I do love you. In the same sense I love the children of my guild, my friends, my brother of heart. I'm sorry it's not the kind of love you wished for, but it's important too." She took a step forward and assumed a neutral stance. The one funny thing that should be addressed though was "'Make me yours', you say. By force. That's a frightening thought to have indeed, but you seem to think you would be able to. Very well then, do try. Perhaps you'd find a little shard of peace in seeing the results. Do refrain from damaging my house and furniture though." No sarcasm here. Did he think he could bring her down because he managed to punch Amon once before when he'd been half-asleep? She didn't think of Sayvahn as weak, but there was a severe difference in combat levels here. Maybe it'd be actually - genuinely - be good for him to show that he wouldn't ever hurt her like that - whether he wished for it or not.
If Sayvahn was sane enough, he would point out that maybe figuring out who was more “normal” was not the best idea at that moment. Though, he wasn’t sane enough to do any rational arguing. Instead, the tidbit just fueled more to the fire that still slithered on his fingertips. “I don’t know.” He replied flatly, ignoring what he wanted, what Edelweiss claimed he wanted. “If she truly loved me, she would have known how much I didn’t want this. How much I hate this.” He had considered that she loved him. Had considered, had hoped. But the contempt in her eyes that day. She was possessed. Had told him “you are not worthy,” as if their marriage had been for naught, that everything he had sacrificed was for nothing. If she loved him, she wouldn’t have let him go. Not like this. She would have killed him. "By denying me, she refuted our marriage. She banished me. She didn’t love me.” Edelweiss didn’t get it. Didn’t understand. How could she— she wasn’t there. And then, her words. They were meant to help. He knew it, but that was her philosophy. Her philosophy that she was expecting him to understand? To follow? To consider? If the later, he considered it, and didn’t believe it. “That’s your philosophy Edelweiss. Living gives them nothing. It’s no atonement. Just suffering. My atonement lies in death and what lies after it. They can’t touch me while I’m alive. Only guilt can.” He felt numb. Felt drained, as if the powers beyond were sucking his life right then to pay for his dues. After all, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. “You’re a god of order, but that means you’re a god of disorder as well. Maybe that’s why you have so much trouble. And I wonder, does that make me the crazy heretic following the wrong god?” He laughed at that. He found it funny, and didn’t care to hide it. Though the laughter only lasted a second as he became steely, the implication of “force” understood between the two of them. “I’m not foolish enough to fight a god. Nor would I want to. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to do anything like that to you. Do I come across as one? Have I really dropped that low? Tell me? Am I just like those bastards who violated my sister? God, I’m really far gone aren’t’ i?” Again he laughed, grabbing onto his hair so forcefully it almost seemed he would pull it out. Then, he relaxed. An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. The answer was so easy. “You’re right.” He breathed, amazed, perhaps even overjoyed at the thought. He had been going on about this completely wrong. “I took their life. It only makes sense for me to take mine as well.” The black fissure appeared between them, the magic, having been gathering for quite some time enabling the dark mass to appear almost instantly, but even if it hadn’t been opened insantly, Sayvahn was already moving to enter the void. There, there would be nothing. A fitting end, a fitting penance, for him. He didn’t care about saying goodbyes. He didn’t care about anything. No, he was just happy. He found the answer. Skirted so close to it before, the bleeding, the cutting, but the actual thing. The actual thing would be the best end. Of course things hadn’t gone away with Vieka. He had to be the one to do it. Not someone else. It was his atonement. His “burden” to bear.
“In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught." ― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Jul 7, 2017 3:02:33 GMT
"I usually call it 'karma', but if you want to call it a 'principle of disorder', you're free to do that."
Telekinesis III casted, and one blond Feline neatly pressed against the further wall, to go, please and thank you. The augmented version of that spell would last her a full minute, while Gating in its simple form only lasted 10 seconds; gates could not be opened with anything obstructing its entrance and equally could not close while anything was it the way of its closure, which meant it would A)close again before he reaches it even if he chooses to re-cast it again and again, and 2) he could neither kill himself by locking up nor severing parts of himself off while being away from it. Nobody was going to suicide in front of her if she can prevent it, and mainly not within her own apartment's premises. "What did I just say about you no longer having that right?"
"And you are right, it's my philosophy. But seeing me as a deity is your phylosophy as well; second you, gods are never wrong. Which means while seeing me as a person you have the right to disagree, but see me as a goddess and you no longer can contest it. So either both of our concepts are equally valid and my own slightly prevails at this very moment out of the reasoning you are not in full control of your mental capacities and I'm keeping you from harm, or you're right which in turn makes me right and you have to listen to me anyway. So. May you cease this death-seeking whim, or will I need to cuff you until you do?" There was a touch of annoyance smothered below her soft tone, though it did truly soften up some after given an extra moment. Well, it was up to him whether he'd stop it on his own or she'd literally cuff him; she did keep a pair of steel shackles in the drawer of the lamp table in case she faced a burglar or similar, and if Sayvahn's fit doesn't end within the next minute she'd merely float him back down and towards her from the wall, cuff his hands behind his back on a chair, and retake a seat in front of him. "Lets go with your version for now: you believe in many gods. As such, you may also follow many gods. There's no rule forbidding you from that. And there's a god offering you atonement (which you seek), though you see it as punishment (which you also seek), so why not take it anyway? Whichever option you pick in how you see it, it works for you. And do you really think they would reach you if you were die... Sayvahn, in as many beliefs I've come across to witness, none would have you sent to the same place as those you killed, unless the place is the oblivion of nothingness, from where they wouldn't be bothering you in life anyway." Sigh. Again. He was making her sigh a lot lately in exasperation. "I don't think you've gone this far, but you're unstable now. And I promised to help you." She picked a pocket mirror from her pants, the little silver circular object on a chain, that might have been mistaken for a pocket watch by another person. "I can do it now, if you calm down soon, or take you to CAEsAL's infirmary and have the staff tie you to a bed until you calm down on your own accord. Which will it be?"