Prepare for the #LodanRespawn2024 Existing characters may choose to be displace from/have memories of different timelines, thereby allowing returning members the option to retcon their whole character. These changes are the result of the "Unnatural Fog" plot device that is running between now and the Respawn. The plot is simple: no matter where your character is, that place is shrouded in a thick fog that suspends time, but not thoughts or memories, so even if they're repeating the same day over and over again, they continue to remember, so each time feels like a new day. For those retconning OCs; this is where new versions of themselves have the opportunity to replace the old versions. Official lore and tree updates will be announced asap
Post by Lasair Landevier Lupen on Jul 10, 2016 7:59:45 GMT
“Castamere, usually,” he said immediately to answer her question. It was honest and he didn’t have trouble saying it at this point. “There’s also one about shadow beasts and one where I’m frozen, watching things happen around me. But it’s Castamere usually. I don’t know how comfortable you are listing to the horrors of my mind, but I can tell you more about them, if your curiosity so desires. I’ve made that much progress in trying to eliminate them, at least.” Well, he wanted to say he had made the progress but truth be told, he had never told others about his nightmares, all three of them to be exact. He got himself writing about them though, and reading them out loud. Those two steps alone made him feel confident enough to share them with Edel. Yet the prospect also made him a little nervous. Just a little.
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Jul 10, 2016 8:15:53 GMT
Castamere.
Of course, she should have thought of that. It sounded too particular for her to pressure him into telling now, if it's only out of her own curiosity. If it might help him cope with it though, maybe...
Post by Lasair Landevier Lupen on Jul 10, 2016 8:32:34 GMT
He smiled a tiny bit at her. “I truly don’t.”
But if he were going to tell the story (granted it was a short version of it), he wanted to be more relaxed. So it took a large drink of his coffee and leaned backwards, diverting his eyes to the ceiling and he went through the events of the nightmare in a controlled sort of way.
“It always starts with me standing in that little group of ours; you, Sayvahn, and the Twins. From when we met up at the start of things. From there, I take off running towards the church, hoping I can make it there fast enough. Just as I can make out the faces of them, my parents standing there, talking to Viktor instead of whoever it actually was, the explosion hits. It falls in slow motion, and while they never seem to notice it, I can do nothing but stare helplessly as it falls. It lands. It rolls. And that’s when I wake up.”
Would she be surprised to hear that she was a part of the nightmare? Perhaps. But in Lasair’s mind, she was nothing more then the incarnation of a memory at that moment. He hadn’t even realized he was technically dreaming of her so often when it was in the context of this nightmare. But he honestly couldn’t see it like that. That nightmare was focused on his parents, on Viktor, and the fact he was powerless to stop it. Either way, he held a calm face as he spoke. If it was bothering him, he didn’t show it.
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Jul 21, 2016 7:30:29 GMT
It did cross her mind that it was curious that, second Lasair's description, the killing nightmare wasn't the only time he dreamed of her. But she also thought nothing more of it, since her presence in it was that of a recurring background character for something that actually happened - a relived memory, apparently distorted to be even more disturbing and deathly than its accurate version was.
She opened her mouth to say something, anything, but then again what one ought to say to that? There was the wonder if the Viktor Lasair spoke of was the same Viktor whom she knew and who had died also not long ago, but it simply didn't seem proper to ask. He didn't even seem bothered while mentioning it, but then again, she also knew disguising emotions (or just not feeling them for a while) was one of the fellow redhead's main talents. It was hard to guess whether it truly affected him or not.
Letting out a small sigh, Edelweiss stood up from the armchair again and moved to give her ginger friend a hug - again. This was turning somehow really common. "Somehow, it suddenly feels like I'm not having it nearly as bad as you are still..."
"All power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." - John Dalberg-Acton
Post by Lasair Landevier Lupen on Jul 21, 2016 7:51:40 GMT
It was a little surprising when she approached him for a hug, and he was going to stand up to meet her for it, but she was quicker than he expected so instead, he found his face mushed into her chest for a few moments as her hug mostly involved wrapping around his head. Yet as she retracted from this somewhat-suffocating position, he was feeling more at ease. As she sat back down, he drank more of his coffee, and shrugged, a smile still lingering on his face. “Comparing yourself to others only dooms you into thinking your struggles aren’t real and aren’t worth the battle. You have a different sort of stress weighing you down. A stress that I can only faintly comprehend. I don’t have that. Instead, I have nightmares. Three to be in fact. But in a way, they’re helping me heal. It’s like, the more often I see them and live through them, the less of a reaction if gives me. It’s an exposure effect, I suppose.” He rolled his shoulders, trying to stay relaxed with talking about these things right now.
“However you may find it concerning to hear the contents of my other two with what I just explained in mind. Again, I do not mind sharing, but please only ask if you are sure you would like to know.” He took another drink of his coffee, a little disappointed to find it empty. “I’ve come to terms with it and what it means for me. I do not see a reason to share it with most people, but perhaps you’d react better than most. And, perhaps, you’d understand it better than them too.” His mind drifted to his tattoo and what it symbolized, and what it meant. Had he ever shown the whole thing to her before? He didn’t think so. Perhaps he should, if the opportunity arose.
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Jul 24, 2016 8:07:03 GMT
There was a brief moment, of just a couple seconds, of silence as the redhead woman had to ponder about his comments.
"That's not something I could ask out of sheer curiosity." She replied finally. She was curious about his dreams indeed, but something that could feel that disturbing for him that didn't let him sleep more than barely a couple hours every night simply wasn't in her right to ask about just because she wanted to know. She had mainly asked because, although it was mostly a guess, in her eyes it seemed like Lasair tended to relax more when/after he could talk of whatever was troubling him. Something that partially applied to herself, depending on the topic. "But if it might help you in any way to talk, or at least help us find a way to help you sleep, then yes I want to hear it."
"All power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." - John Dalberg-Acton
Post by Lasair Landevier Lupen on Jul 24, 2016 8:34:48 GMT
He found himself laughing somewhat, something he hadn’t done in a long time. “You may feel like you shouldn’t ask out of curiosity, yet that is the main thing I use to justify my decisions when it comes to speaking about certain topics.” Lasair peered into his coffee cup, as if it would hold the key to his confused thoughts. Alas, it seemed that it didn’t. He set it on the table.
“I might as well share them, for I think it does help me, and see no reason not to, given that you do not oppose hearing the information.” He folded his hands in his lap, shifting his thumbs around as he reclined, taking on the same sort of expression as he had when telling the previous dream. “There’s one where I find myself frozen in the midst of a battle. It’s a mix between Castamere and the other instances I’ve run into them. To my right is Viktor again, trying to fight for his life like he did on the day he died with that dagger of his. I should have done better that day. To me left is a group that had ventured a little too close to headquarters and needed to be corrected. They’re fighting someone from MI, but the person chances. In front of me is a group from Castamere. They’re a little far off, but closing in. The ones at my sides happen to finish cutting down whoever they’re fighting and then turn to me just as the forward group arrives. I’m frozen in place, having to watch all this happen, being unable to move. I usually wake up before it ends now, because the ending isn’t a wake up call I like.”
His mouth felt kind of dry again, but he pressed on, not wasting any time in explaining the last nightmare that plagued him. “Then there’s the one where I’m being chased by shadow beasts. The type of beast and how many of them changes all the time, but there’s always at least one. They chase me through the forest like a game of cat and mouse, always trying to hunt me down and I always try to run. While I run, they usually taunt me, saying things like Why don’t I want to join my brother? Why can’t I be easy to catch like he was? Why don’t I just do nothing about it, like last time? Why don’t I want to see him again?” He stopped, realizing that his voice had risen quite a bit and that there was anger behind his words. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to calm down, to slow his speeding heart. “Anyway, that one usually ends with the beast capturing me and, uh, well, I die.” He was tempted to end with a joke, just to lighten the mood a little bit, but they all sounded too forced in his mind. So he leaned back instead and reminded himself to chill out. He could be calm about this, he knew he could. It was just challenging right now.
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Aug 4, 2016 4:40:17 GMT
Death. Death. Death again - of multiple others before his own. All of it shrouded in a veil of helplessness and running from the unavoidable. Those descriptions made Edelweiss realize that, throughout all of what Lasair was telling her now that kept his mind restless and nights insomniac, inaction and guilt towards others seemed to resound a lot more heavy and intense to him than any sort of physical pain. She did understand that feeling, oh so deadfully well. Perhaps that's just one more thing they had in common deep down, but that wasn't a cheering though to her now. Not when it recalled an issue she herself couldn't deal with well, and therefore also could offer little to no help.
"I'm glad they're only dreams, and you still wake up alive everyday." Only stating the obvious, but it was the first thing she thought up to say. "Dying is quite easy. Living actually requires more courage - even simple things like getting out of bed every morning, and following a daily routine, while carrying the weight of all those who are gone. I don't know if any sort of afterlife exists, but the living owe remembrance to the dead. Us being here, and our memories, are proof they existed as well. ...Well, this is just me rambling at this point. But I think, by not just stopping and letting your fears catch you with no resistance, you're doing what's right - for everyone and even your brother too."
"All power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." - John Dalberg-Acton
Post by Lasair Landevier Lupen on Aug 4, 2016 5:34:05 GMT
He found himself sitting forward, head resting in his hands, posture no long the confidence he seemed to usually radiate, but rather it was turned inward, showing submission and a lack of pride in one self.
Letting out a long breath, he didn’t quite know how to respond. “I carry them in more ways than one,” he commented, referencing the tattoo on his back. He shook his head, dismissing the thought he almost had. “Sometimes I think it would be easier to forget. It would end the nightmares.” A pause between his words. “I think what scares me more is the fact I’m okay with them—the nightmares. They don’t scare me like they used to. When they happen, I just fall into the routine and…accept it. I don’t try to stop the falling building. I don’t try to fight the Sveds. I jog from the beasts rather than run for my life. I used to try my hardest every time, but…not anymore.” His eyes began watering. “That scares me more than the nightmares now.” One tear slipped from his eye and landed on his knee, leaving a small darker circle where it landed.
“I may not stop and let them catch me in the waking world, but in dreams? What other choice do I have? Mentally exhaust myself further, or just let it happen. What’s the point in fighting them night after night?” He buried his face further into his hands, hiding any additional tears that might have been slipping through.
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Aug 4, 2016 5:50:00 GMT
"The point is just that..."
She caught the moment when his eyes started watering, and how he seemed to be almost curling up in a small ball where he sat next to her, then a single tear before he hid his face from view with his own palms. And Edelweiss found herself gently ushering him into a tight hug, tucking his head under her chin as her hair fell around it like a curtain, as if she could shield him from the world - if not forever, then at least for that morning. She felt almost tempted to pet his hair like to a child as well, and might actually do that if he takes a while before recomposing himself. Everyone had the right to cry afterall. The reasons were different, and not really intentional, but in a way that made them even regarding all those tears of the past night.
"If you don't give up, and keep trying, then maybe something will change. Maybe - just maybe - something you couldn't do before can become possible in the future. But if you do give up and stop trying, then for sure nothing will change at all."
"All power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." - John Dalberg-Acton
Post by Lasair Landevier Lupen on Aug 4, 2016 6:06:25 GMT
“I don’t know if I can believe that.”
He allowed himself to be pulled to her, leaning in without a problem. He hadn’t wanted to cry, not now, and not while spending time with her. But things just sort of happen sometimes. The tears flowed slowly at first, and then quicker as he gave up the prospect of fighting against them. Wrapping his arms around her, he grabbed onto her shirt and held tightly. She was offering herself as a source of comfort, and he couldn’t help but take it right now.
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Aug 4, 2016 7:23:02 GMT
"Sometimes I don't either," She replied along a sad silent chuckle. "But the odds are still better trying than not. I mean, even my odds of getting my giant sweettooth appeased last evening were pretty low, and someone brought me fresh pastries in the middle of the night. Tiny miracles happen."
Blessed be daily life's tiny miracles, so much more common and yet lighter-feeling than the large ones. One ought to appreciate them at their fullest when they happened. And then she did end up stroking Lasair's hair, in an attempt of a soothing gesture while he clung to her and cried. Would keep at it until he feels better and/or pulls away.
"All power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." - John Dalberg-Acton
Post by Lasair Landevier Lupen on Aug 4, 2016 7:49:04 GMT
He couldn’t think of anything to respond back to her, so he said nothing, instead sitting still, only moving when he had to remember how to breath, sucking in a hard gasp. As the time passed, it began to slow, until he woke up his hands and loosened the grasp on her shirt and forced himself to suck in some air through his nose.
“Thanks…” he said quietly. The topic wasn’t really explained, nor finished, but he had survived the onset of emotions. And he was thankful that he wasn’t alone for them this time. But, would it matter tonight? Or tomorrow night? Perhaps. But at this moment he didn’t know how to feel about that. So, he decided to stay there, leaning against her, until she told him to move or otherwise indicated he should move from that position.
Post by Edelweiss Fjäril on Aug 6, 2016 6:58:06 GMT
Well, she had indeed offered for him to come over more often and try to help him with his sleep problems, or at least chat (or nerd over continue their researches about magic) and enjoy each other's presence in days neither of them can sleep, like a sort of Insomniac Gingers Association club. It was up to him to take on her offer or not - be it for tonight, or tomorrow, or next week and etc - or not, but either way it was still valid.
"You're welcome." She replied to his quiet thanks in an equal tone, giving a weak smile while at it. It was a tad strange to be comforting a grown man in the same way she sometimes did to the young children of her guild, but it wasn't a bad thing strictly speaking. She did appreciate his company, and if this somehow helped him feel better, nothing wrong with it.
Apparently she was going to have a Lasair clinging to her waist for a while.
"All power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." - John Dalberg-Acton
Post by Lasair Landevier Lupen on Aug 6, 2016 8:14:49 GMT
Shifting a bit, he realized it was probably time to sit up and straighten himself out a bit. Looking presentable should be a minimum, after all, especially in the company of someone so hospitable. He wiped his eyes on his sleeves and snuffled a little bit to clear his sinuses. Crying made him feel like a child and he always wanted to dispel that feeling as quickly as possible.
“You’re kind, you know that right,” he said at last, breaking the silence and added a soft smile. “Even though Amon’s back in your life, you’re still willing to spend time with me. Thank you for that; I feel rather lucky for that fact.” In saying that, Lasair reminded himself of the simple fact; Amon was back. And Edel had mentioned resuming things with the Merchanic. Normally women wouldn’t let any grown man cry on her, let along one she wasn’t dating. But Edelweiss wasn’t like that. And for that simple fact, Lasair was thankful. Even if he didn't have a good way to express it just yet.